We have to talk. This isn’t working out, we have to break up. The truth is that if I don’t let you go, you’ll slowly try to creep back inside. I know you try to help. You are a product of all the negativity that surrounded my physical appearance since I was a kid. You are a product of hurtful comments, overused jokes, unnecessary comparisons; overall, you are a product of comments and a molded mentality that skinny is pretty and likable, fat is ugly and unacceptable. You are a product of years of self-torture and self-hatred. I forgive you. I forgive myself.
I don’t hate you. I know I thought you were the answer to my happiness. I convinced myself that without you, I wouldn’t be accepted socially, I wouldn’t find true love, and I wouldn’t have self-value. We’ve had such a long relationship, perhaps that is why it was difficult to let you go in the beginning; even when you were abusive, hurtful, and detrimental to my self-esteem. Also when I allowed you to influence me into thinking that I was disgusting, that I deserved all the bad things that I put myself through or listen to others’ opinions. I thought that you were the answer. That being skinny was the only way to deserve happiness; enjoying food was a punishment, and social activities were triggers to my body dysmorphia and my peace of mind.
I don’t hate you. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for teaching me that being hurtful towards myself doesn’t make me lose weight, it doesn’t make me happy, it doesn’t keep me healthy. Thank you for teaching me that starving my body made me weak, unhappy, and lethargic; it prevented me from being able to concentrate and think logically or enjoy life’s little moments. Thank you for teaching me that doubting myself only brings my self-value down, it inhibits myself growth, it floods me with fear. Thank you for teaching me how strong my body was by surviving what we put it through. Thank you for showing me that being humble doesn’t mean denying myself worth or putting myself down.
I don’t hate you, because I don’t hate myself. I don’t see you as another, I know you are, but a chest filled with all my insecurities, my bad choices, my unaware being. I know now that the only way to be happy is by loving and nurturing myself in mind, body, and spirit. I know now that it’s only through the choices I make at every present moment that I can change my reality. I know now that for every negative thought that I have about myself, I must counteract it with positive ones. I know now that being confident will impulse me forward, I will get to know myself better, and I will grow and develop into my best version. I know now that I love to eat; and when I let go of you, my thoughts become happy, loving, confident, and free.
With a huge hug full of love, I let you go. Thank you, again, for the lessons, for making me stronger than I ever knew I could be. Thank you for teaching me that people’s opinions only have power over me when I allow them to affect me. Thank you for being the catalyst to finding myself again. Thank you for leading me on a journey that has taught me to fall in love with myself, regardless of my physical appearance or the foods that I eat.
Goodbye, Ana. It’s ok; I got it from here.
From me to me.
An incurable passion for writing; a poet at heart. I am a writer on the road.