Back in the day.
When I think back to my early adulthood years (particularly my early to mid-20’s) I, occasionally, want to high five my face. But I take a deep breath and laugh. I laugh at the silliness of it all. I laugh at myself, at my choices, at my lack of awareness.
I think back to all the time I spent focusing on my eating disorder, or my romantic relationship, or on my body dysmorphia.
I was too invested in the outside, in labels that made me miserable, in dreams that I wanted to achieve, responsibilities, relationships, etc.; yet, I wasn’t doing any of it.
I would rush through my study time; somehow, I was able to pass my classes with mostly A’s and B’s; but, since I’m honest, other letters that are considered to be wrong also found their way into my transcripts. Unfortunately, I didn’t invest my time in thoroughly learning the material in my classes, and I was too busy focusing on losing weight and hating my body, or on fixing my romantic relationship, or on getting a social life. I wanted to go out and party, though I quickly discovered that, as an introvert, partying is not always the most fun thing to do, it’s an easy distraction; plus, I can dance in the comfort of my room.
Overall, I didn’t make time for myself; I made others a priority -particularly my boyfriend at the time -moreover, I would push my time, my studies and other responsibilities aside to make time for him or anyone else but myself.
I wasn’t my priority.
I laugh at my younger self when I remember how mature I thought I was, or how I
thought I had everything figured out. I was too lost in myself hatred and my external distractions. I even thought that by bringing myself down I would be humble.
I took myself and my 20’s for granted, and I reached rock bottom. I got lost in the blurred emptiness of focusing on the outside, and not working on my inner peace. I didn’t quite grasp the concept that time moves on; it doesn’t wait. It turns out that time does fly-by.
Suddenly, I blinked and realized I’m 30 on my way to 31 -quick skip-of-a-heart-beat as I read the numbers -but I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even my lack of awareness.
I am aware now, that’s what matters.
I realized that everything I put myself through -the good and the bad -has made me the woman I am today. I now know that every experience I had, taught me the lessons I needed to learn to be where I am now. And that’s what matters.
I know that in the next decade I will most likely look back and laugh at myself again because I’ll know more then than I do now.
Did I learn my lesson?
I sip some of my hot chocolate – it’s essential to treat yourself now and then – and break from my reverie.
When you’re younger, you don’t realize how much time goes to waste. Precious minutes and hours spent with the wrong people or doing things that bring you no sense of self-improvement.
Nowadays I do my best to spend my time wisely. I’ve learned to see time as a valuable resource; often taken for granted. More importantly, I use my time to make myself, and the things I want, a priority. I take night classes to learn new languages; I listen to podcasts that talk about my interests and feed my intellect with ideas for books, stories, etc. I make time to cook for myself and to work-out in a healthy manner. I make time for at-home-spa-nights, dancing, writing, playing in the rain. I make time for me. I make it a point to spend time with my dog-child and my loved ones. I make time to reach my goals. I make time to find my inner peace, my emotional balance, and myself-love. I make time to be grateful and happy.
Simply put, I make time for the NOW; for the present moment.
In doing so, I have noticed that I enjoy my life, myself, and my loved ones a lot more than when I focused on external issues and other distractions.
In my 30’s I’ve learned that it just comes down to how you want to spend your time. What do you wish to accomplish and how will you organize yourself to achieve it?
Time is precious, use it wisely. Apply it to your self-growth and self-love, the external things will follow in harmony.
An incurable passion for writing; a poet at heart. I am a writer on the road.