At the border

I ventured out today without thinking of triggers, weight, how much sugar I have consumed and how little I have worked-out this week.  I met up with a young girl I met at my recovery group last year, without ever thinking she could be a trigger too. To be fair I, once again,  thought I had it under control.
Seeing someone sit across from you in a group is not the same as seeing someone next to you
–duh! of course –.
She was much shorter than I thought –already started feeling like a giant –. She was much thinner than I remember –started feeling like a shapeless blob –.
I am, however, happy to say that I am still standing strong. Holding my space at the very least. Not crossing that threshold where my eating disorder waits for me with open arms. Calling me, tempting me back. Making promises that I want to hear and believe, but by now know to be fallacies. My knees may be quivering, my urge to jump back to old habits may be stronger than two days ago. My mind is filled with her shrill voice –joder, she is rather loud now –; I chose my keyboard.

Must not listen to her, must not listen to her, must not listen to her.

Nothing new about this situation, I can handle it, or try my best at the very least. Take deep breaths. Reground, find your center. Clear your intentions, reconnect with your soul. Understand the gut-wrenching-self-destructive thoughts. Don’t ignore them, deal with them; counteract them.
Easier said than done.  Seeing her and catching up with this sweet girl was quite worth the unexpected trigger.  Getting out of one’s comfort zone is definitely a way to grow, break old patterns, and face your deepest and darkest fears. Ana, my anorexia, is one of them for me.  I have come a long way, and it is rewarding to realize it. At least I was able to enjoy my time catching up with my young acquaintance.
Once I was alone in my car, it became much more difficult to ignore her already gushing voice.  He would definitely prefer you smaller, thinner, less flabby and more active.  blah, blah, blah… On she goes with the hurtful comments…
How to counteract, how to remain away from her?  Breath, just because she is louder does not mean she is 100% back and in full control.  A small part of me still wants that, I must beware of that.
Get home, feed and nurture yourself with food, positivity, and self-love; definitely a priority.  Do not allow that urge to out-do yourself working out. Remember that exercise compliments a healthy nutrition for mind, body, and soul. Keep clear and self-loving intentions.
Overall remember that this is an ongoing battle… An everyday thing…



missejjessim View All →

An incurable passion for writing; a poet and storyteller​ at heart. I am a writer on the road.

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